“Crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts out…” This iconic line from Conan Gray’s song, Crush Culture, is exactly how I feel about our generation when it comes to love. We pine for love, we desire love, we feign love. But is this a fault? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not cynical of love—I’m cynical of people who instil the wrong idea of love into young people. As a generation, we have, and we are still being fed the misconception of love. Through our excessive use of social media, our ideals of love have become very superficial. With this fast-food approach to love, we begin to develop an unhealthy relationship with the instant gratification of ‘physical’ love. The ads on the streets are covered in images of what beauty should be like. TV shows only highlight the excitement of physical love. Social media forces us to compare ourselves with ‘perfect people.' Beauty has become a thing we need to achieve, not something that already innately exists in each of us. Love has become something superficial.

The music video of Crush Culture (dir. Conan Gray) begins with Conan Gray, who stars as “Bitter Boy” sitting with his supposed lover “Lollipop B****." As Lollipop B**** stares intently at her phone, Bitter Boy receives less attention than the heart-shaped lollipop she is holding. Triggered by all the texts Lollipop B**** receives, Bitter Boy grabs her lollipop and smashes it to the ground in exasperation—hence the name “Lollipop B****” and “Bitter Boy.” These scenes depict the reality of modern love where people have become too fixated on the idea of ‘being wanted’ and where our worth has been reduced to the number of texts we receive. We have chosen to be connected through the Internet, only to be disconnected in the real world. This explains Bitter Boy’s anger and frustration—we meet up with people only to become disconnected within the connected space of what used to be intimacy. Social media has caused us to place more importance displaying our relationships rather than living in the reality of our relationships. We have become more fixated on the idea of the images we can portray, rather than focusing on what already is. We have become reduced to mere instances, photos, and short videos.

Bitter Boy continues to disrupt romantic moments between different couples. His lyrics explain that love has become an exclusive ‘culture’ which involves the “kissing cult” where they “kiss then forget you.” A certain catharsis is achieved when Bitter Boy messes up these romantic moments. The constant overhype of love causes many insecurities. We draw up fantasies of love and when we are unable to achieve this goal, we begin to believe that there is something wrong with us. We brainwash ourselves to believe that we have to fit into certain ideals and change so that we can be loved by our ‘crushes.’ The term ‘crush’ itself even suggests that this one-sided love can only end in a ‘crushing remorse,’ or that a ‘crushing’ of one’s original identity is needed to acquire this love. We either crush our identity to fit the other’s standards, or we crush the other’s authentic self in order to fit them into our ideals.

The ‘Crush Culture’ of our generation entails the following: unrealistic expectations, the need to ‘show love,’ and self-centredness. These standards isolate us from the genuine meaning of love, making us crave it even more. Social media portrays unrealistic expectations of love—luxury brand gifts have become a sign of how much you love someone, and the size of your wedding dress train or the number of hearts or comments you get from your significant other has become a way of ‘proving’ love. Through this repeated culture of social media, the need to ‘show love’ has become prevalent, and a vicious cycle of unrealistic expectations and the showcasing of love has started to emerge. This creates fertile grounds for competition as we begin to visually accept the fact that some people are loved more than others, and this perpetuates loneliness and insecurities. We begin to believe that we lack certain aspects in the criteria of love which makes it impossible for us to be loved. Our generation’s ‘crush culture’ depends heavily on visual representation. However, when we start valuing others based on their physical appearance, we unconsciously simplify them into an ‘object of desire’ who has an obligation to fill our empty voids.

Instant love disregards the truth that love is difficult. We tend to think that ‘real love’ is easy and that it all naturally plays out like in the movies: a damsel in distress, a knight in shining armour, or a villain who disturbs and ironically strengthens their love. This magical, fairy-tale element of romance films is not wrong, but it creates a dangerous, unrealistic image of love. Romance movies should not be condemned. We just need to learn to train ourselves to understand that love is not completed by the momentaneous ‘happy ending,’ but that there is a story after this point. Love requires time, patience, understanding, and sacrifice. The butterflies when we start loving someone don’t last forever, and we can’t expect it to last forever. This good feeling cannot continue if it is one-sided and self-centred. We must put in the work and effort in figuring the other person out. As my English teacher used to say, “love is a verb.” Love is not simply an instant gift, given as a concrete noun – it is an ongoing action. Love is a verb, and this can be seen through the implementation of the five love languages.

The five love languages are acts of service, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and words of affirmation. Each of the five love languages requires a ‘verb.' Doing an errand, giving a hug, going on a date, buying flowers, giving a compliment. Love comes with actions, and we need to be willing to love. However, loving someone completely different from ourselves proves to be difficult as we have to learn to navigate the way we love through these differences. Even though these differences may feel like a barrier, they make us grow, as the joy of love comes from learning the differences of the people we love. By getting to know someone else deeply, we subconsciously start to learn more about ourselves. This helps us experience an authentic, richer love. While the media distorts the reality of love, movies depicting the reality of love do exist.

(Incoming spoiler alert…)

Waymond and Evelyn from Everything Everywhere All at Once are good examples of what real love looks like. At a glance, the middle-aged couple seems mundane, wrapped up in everyday ordeals of running a laundromat. There seems to be no passionate love between them, but rather a stagnant comfort. This dangerous comfort conceals the uncomfortable truths which are later revealed in the film when Evelyn is faced with Waymond’s divorce papers. This, however, is the reality of love (not divorce, the hardships). Passion can easily be outlived and the consequences of love amount to a reality of unwanted responsibilities and the essential sacrifices. The downfall of modern love tropes is that this transformation of love is not depicted after the ‘happy ending.'

While the quarrelling couple seem to suffocate each other, the realisation of love begins when Evelyn sees that Waymond chooses to be with Evelyn in every alternate lifetime. No matter how harsh or luxurious their lives are, Waymond chooses to love Evelyn, and this truth becomes a universal truth that binds them together with love. This is similar to the way the importance of love is portrayed in the Netflix series The Good Place.

Chidi and Eleanor are characters with completely contrasting personalities who are mismatched as ‘soulmates’ after they die and end up in the good place, i.e. ‘heaven.' However, they learn that “the Good Place” is not necessarily a good place, and with this realization, their memories are wiped out. As the plot goes on, it is revealed that in every simulation of ‘Operation Good Place’ where they are supposed to be tortured by each other’s presence, they end up falling in love. A love that penetrates all memory and time begins to formulate, and this becomes their ticket to ‘real heaven.' No matter how much they fight and seemingly hate each other for their differences, Chidi and Eleanor end up being in love. Every time their memory is wiped, no matter how far apart they are, they end up together, face their insecurities, and become better people together.

(No more spoilers from this point)

Love only becomes complete when we start understanding each other’s imperfections. While crush culture focuses on the prospect of an already perfect person who will solve all our problems, the reality of love focuses on two people who are able to accept each other’s weaknesses and insecurities. We can only begin to love and be loved when we allow our differences to show. Additionally, love entails the element of ‘choice.' Contrary to popular belief, while we cannot choose who we love, we can choose how we love. We need to choose to love, instead of waiting until we are chosen to be loved. With this choice comes sacrifices, unacknowledged services, and the need for patience; but all this becomes worth it in the face of the people we love. Unlike the instantaneous, passionate love we desire, real love takes time and requires patience and persistence.

“All this love is suffocating, just let me be sad and lonely…” Conan Gray truthfully expresses the frustration of our generation when it comes to looking for love. However, in the final scene of the Crush Culture music video, we are betrayed by Bitter Boy as he lays motionless and unsatisfied on a bouquet of broken flowers, until he receives a text reading, “Hey. Wanna date?” We are left with Bitter Boy’s smile, which ironically leaves the single viewers to be “sad and lonely." This shows how unfulfilling superficial love is, which is why when we love right, it is one of the best feelings in the world. Love is a human instinct, and it is natural to crave romantic relationships. How we view love, however, should not be tainted by what is shown in the media. Love is ironically one of the easiest yet hardest things we do.